A very shallow post.

It's been a while. I know.



Okay, let's preface this post with the following info. I'm a fat dude. Always have been. If you were to look into my medical records, you would see a check mark in the box labeled "Obese" I'm not proud of it, but it is what is. I've never claimed to be a model, because I'm a realist. Even though this is the case, I have a question...

Why are people trying to hook me up with their fat chick friends?

I know it's a harsh thing to say, it's shallow, and piggish (don't know if the pun was intended or not), but this is becoming a trend in my life as of late. I don't see myself as a good looking dude (I'm not fishing for compliments or pity, I know what I see in the mirror), but in the world of gorditos, apparently I'm a solid 8½.

I have no problems with bigger women (that kinda has a "some of my friends are black" tone to it, I know). I've dated girls of all shapes and sizes, so that's not the issue. I actually prefer a girl with a little meat on her. I don't like boney chicks at all. That "you can see her ribs" look is a little off-putting. I just wouldn't like the fact if she were to borrow a shirt of mine, that it fit a little snug on her.

I thought I had something going with a cinnamon skinned babe last summer, but that blew up when I realized that she was using me to get with my brother (weight wasn't the issue, because my bro is a hefty gentleman himself). Excuse me for a moment...


Hey, stupid...that's why he doesn't text you back.


Okay, as I was saying. That kinda put me in a funk for a bit, and I wasn't really looking for anything serious. I was on a seven month dry-spell, so I'm guessing people think that I'm on the prowl. Not so much. When it was known that I went a recently went on a couple of date, it was presumed "open season" on E.J. (believe me when I say that I'm not at all serious about that statement. I find the whole situation to be quite silly.)

Due to time constraints, I'm going to give you three examples at this time:

1) There is a Japanese restaurant that I've mentioned a few times on this blog where me and my Brooklyn friends visit. If you go a few posts back, you'll see I've been referred to as rapper Big Punisher at the establishment. Well, there is girl working there who happens to be on the heavy side that's interested in me. Now, I have no problem with her being a chubby gal, I'm just not interested. Apparently the running gag over there when I'm not around is (now imagine this in a very thick Japanese accent) "Big Punisher...plus Big Mama...happy family!!" So now when I go, and she happens to be the hostess, there is this uncomfortable cloud over the table when I'm ordering yakiniku and butakimchee. When she leaves, I get the eye-brow raising, "ah?...ah?" facial expression from the crew.

2) My old high school friends have been trying to hook me up with this annoying ass chick that was a year ahead of me. I was blindsided by this one. She did one of those friend requests on my Myspace profile (more on that abomination of a site on a future post), so I was sure whatever, I knew her from when I was dating her cousin in high school. No big deal, right? Out of nowhere she messages me, and is like, "can I get your number, I want to talk to you...blah blah blah." For those who know me, I did E.J.'s famous head tilt...



...and had the "Nah, chill" thought run through my head. I ignored it, and moved on. Just last week, she messages me with the subject, "How much do you love me?" I opened it up, and said that she's coming up from Alabama in October and she wants "kick it." She wanted to know if I can pick her up FROM THE AIRPORT IN NEWARK, NEW FUCKING JERSEY!! She said she'll make it worth my while. Oh hah-hell no! She asked me to hit her back with the good news. My idea of good news was to never get back to her, kick her off my list, and block her from ever seeing my page again. Now I'm the asshole. Well, I am on this occasion. Some of my "friends" are upset, but hell...they led her on or something.

And finally for today...

3) My dear old mother wanted me to meet a belly dance classmate of hers (it's a midlife crisis thing, I dunno). She was from Turkey and was leaving later in the year. Well, I met this gal and she was a biggin' as well.

"What hell, ma? You're in belly dance classes and you couldn't try to pimp your son to somebody else?"

"Aye por favor, Eloy...I was trying to do you and her a favor."

(Cue head tilt)

I don't know what she meant by that one. Was she looking for me throw a tré up in that piece? Does anybody remember that phrase from the 90's?

Now, I've done some events for her and her class; playing music, setting up sound, etc., and there were some great looking girls there. One was flirting with me a little, and I was down for whatever but she broke out before the event was over. I was asking my sweet mommy why she didn't introduce me to her?!

"She's a bitch, and kinda stupid."

"Well, that ass of hers looked pretty intelligent to me."

"*EDITED OUT* is really nice, and she has a great personality!"

Once again, the nice personality. Well, I did end up talking to the Turkish chick for a little while, and could you believe we had absolutely nothing in common? I like hip hop, comedies, the UFC, and she tended her flock of sheep back home. I'm being a ball buster of course, but you get the idea. "Girl, we just from two different worlds..." (sorry, inside joke)

Without being an ass, I'm really trying to figure out why this has been happening lately and questioning the thinking process of my loved ones. First of all, I HATE people trying to hook me up. And second...c'mon...am I going to connect with a gal because we both have the not so flattering ability to take over the armrest on the airplane? Are we gonna trade recipes together...or perhaps hold hands at the Weight Watcher's meeting? I got it!! It's because we both think that Cinnabon rules!

I've come to a conclusion that they are the shallow ones, figuring that they can only see me settling down with a gal of common girth. How could Eloysito be with any other type of person? (See how I turned it around on them? I'm proud of myself for that one). Most of friends and family know my track record, and not to brag, it's not too shabby.

After all...I have a great personality.